Losing a child is one of life’s biggest tragedies. All that promise, all those hopes, all those possibilities for a bright and successful future disappear in an instant. Whether you’ve lost a young child or a young adult child, the feeling of loss cuts deep. We are simply not programmed to deal with the death of a child. We accept the loss of parents and grandparents as inevitable. But losing a child, that’s never something we expect to deal with.
We bring children into the world with great hopes for their future. We imbue them with all kinds of possibilities, like education, marriage and career success. We look forward to these events as a series of experiences we will celebrate and enjoy. Never are we prepared to have our child taken away by some brutal accident, war, murder or suicide. None of these enter our mind until something tragic actually happens.
When confronted with this type of loss we are shaken to our very core. The experience of losing a child unnerves us. All of a sudden the world we thought we knew is no longer safe. Our remaining children are not safe. We collapse into a puddle of nerves and tears.
What does it take to get over losing a child? A lot of investigation into our own nature and behavior seems to come up right away. Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? How did I fail? Should I have said No when asked for the car keys on that fateful night? The questions, guilt and remorse come at us fast and furious.
I am the father of two daughters. Thankfully, I’ve never lost a child in the manner described above. During my practice years I helped a lot of parents come to terms with such a loss. Oftentimes I cried with them. I could feel their despair and anguish. Car accidents, suicide, murder, disease and freak occurrences were all part of the mix. One boxing day, in the late 90s, my wife and I witnessed a 14 year old boy being run down by a car. He was killed instantly. We were shaken. We were scared. Our thoughts immediately ran to our own daughters. Where were they? Were they safe? And so on.
We stayed at the scene and provided statements to the investigating police. We remained badly shaken. We just couldn’t believe what our eyes had shown us. We actually saw a young life snuffed out in an instant. At one moment we saw this boy crossing the street, heading for a bus stop. Seconds later he was lying on the ground in a crumpled lifeless heap. His life had been taken away by a series of freakish circumstances.
One year later my wife and I were in court testifying as to what we had witnessed. We learned that the victim was an Iranian boy whose family had come to North America to escape the tyrannical rule of their home country. His parents and extended family exhibited all the signs of a recent trauma. They were still locked in their grief as if the incident had just happened. The woman driver, responsible for the accident, was being prosecuted for dangerous driving. She was a virtual mess and was heavily medicated. Every time someone testified as to her behavior and the boy’s death, she noticeably flinched. The boy’s family wanted answers, and perhaps some retribution. There were no winners here.
On another occasion I was asked to address a meeting of “Compassionate Friends”, a support group fro grieving parents. As each member of the group recounted their story I began to see the range of experiences which had brought them all together. Their children had died by the variety of circumstances listed above, including suicide, the most difficult of all. These parents were at different stages in their grieving process. Some were almost healed, while others were still stuck back in the moment they first heard the news. It was sad to watch because I knew that with some prodding, encouragement and support they all could be much further along.
I did what I could in addressing their loss. And I urged them to engage in a proper recovery program. Support groups are just that, they offer support but no direction. These parents were simply recycling their pain and not moving forward with their recovery. A few of them came to see me afterwards and we put them through our recovery program. Everyone that took this path recovered.
In the end it doesn’t matter what took your child from you; the grieving and healing process you must undergo remains the same. Dealing with feelings through therapy, group work and guided journaling are the tools and practices necessary for recovery. I successfully used this approach for all my grieving clients. Everyone who pursued this program completed their recovery and got on with their lives.
Lately I’ve met people who are still stuck in their grieving experience. Their child may have died years ago but, for them, it may as well have been yesterday. They have not gained an inch. There is no substitute for working through your grief if you truly want to heal. Some people simply refuse to move forward, hanging on to their grief as if they were hanging on to their child. They don’t accept that they can actually heal and hold on to that precious child in a loving and expansive way rather than continue with their suffering.
You have to choose healing in order to recover from grief. You have to commit to your own recovery just like any other person who is stuck in some disabling condition. Imagine for a moment you are the deceased child looking down at your parents and siblings. What would you want for them? Healing or Suffering? And those wonderful memories you had of each other before the tragedy, where do they go if you choose suffering? When you die, do you want your loved ones to remain in a state of perpetual grief? Likely not! Good then, you know what you have to do.
http://www.howtocopewithgriefandloss.com/Grieving-A-Child.html
Maurice Turmel PhD
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/grieving-a-child-son-or-daughter-740845.html
February 11th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
lost my daughter lost myself dont know how to go on no time for grieving she left a child behind?
she is a joy and a sorrow as she looks just like her mom. situation very complicated no show father and grandfather from hell custody battle from moment of my daughters death no peace or time to grieve the world has moved on and i am stuck i dont know how to stop waiting for her to come home sitting on the sitting on the front porch waiting for her to drive up , Babies father never comes to see her never shows to court living in limbo waiting for judge to give me permanent custody . sometimes i hurt so bad iam not sure if ican go on
February 12th, 2010 at 3:07 am
broken heart, your breakin’ my heart! I hope everything works out okay for you, your words are really pain spattered.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:09 am
What would the baby be without you?
Yes you can go on, do it for her.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:11 am
Please get a good therapist while you’re in this grieving period. You’re really stressed, and it’s obvious just from the way you typed the question. I hope everything works out for you, and I think it will. You have to go on for your granddaughter.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:13 am
wow my prayers are with you. You do the best you can for that child get some form of grief councilling
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:15 am
So sorry to hear of your loss, you have to go on for your grand child, just think of your grand child and how much she needs you.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:17 am
I’m so sorry for you and your grandchild. Are you involved with church? Going to church and/or a support group may be beneficial. I’ll say a prayer for you. Hang in there.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:19 am
I think you need to grieve its not good to keep that stuff bottled up, im sorry and hope you get everything worked out for the best.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:21 am
call your church, find a support group you are not alone, never forget that you are not alone, take joy in seeing your baby girl in her baby girls eyes, she didnt leave you alone she left you with a part of herself, and when you think that you cant handle it any more find some one in a support group to talk to who has been there before, I am so sorry for your loss, but always look forward to tomorrow, and seeing the smiles of Angels in you granddaughters face.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:23 am
I am sorry about your daughter but my grief and your pain is not gone bring her back. Just think that you daugther is in a better place and even though you miss her you have to move on with life but dont forget her. You will see her again. Love her child you still have a part of her make the best of it.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:25 am
You can go on.
The pain and hurt of your loss will continue but you will learn to deal with it.
The emptiness you feel inside will, to some extent be filled by the granddaughter you now care for.
She will not replace your lost daughter but she will become a light in your life.
Keep fighting.
Remember the good times you had with your daughter and remember your love for her. These things will never die.
The battle and the fighting need to be done and the result be a just reward for the effort.
You can put off the grieving until after the fighting is done but when that time comes, be prepared, it will hit you VERY hard.
No time to grieve is sometimes a very good thing as you are not ready to face the grieving yet.
Persevere and the light will eventually shine through for you.
Good luck.
My thoughts are with you wherever you are.
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my heart and life
February 12th, 2010 at 3:27 am
You wake up and breathe. Give yourself 15 minutes to cry every day, then breathe again and move on. You’re need to release your grief, but you don’t want to get lost in it. Look at that child and thank God for her. You will make it through this. Look in the paper for support groups. Seek therapy. The two of you will make it through this. I will pray for you.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:29 am
When you’re hurting, hold that baby close
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:31 am
Yes you will because a defenceless child is at risk, she as well has lost her mother, and no show dad. and now is going to have to count on you to be there for her, I am sure your daughter would have you going on a picnic with her daughter, then spending the afternoon crying because she isn’t there, It was not her idea to die so do not blame her, you raised her as best as you could so now do the same for her daughter
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:33 am
well first of all i want to say i know what your going through in a way…. i lost a child ..so i am not going to sit here and say just anything cause knowing from experience as nice as it all may sound it doesnt always help…. just that your not alone!!!!! i feel your pain and its a pain that CAN’T be explained….. something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy …….. but i can say this my son passed away 9 years ago and at first i couldnt greive i had other children to take care of ………… big mistake cause it came back to bite me BIGTIME!!!!!!!! grieve now and dont be afraid to … your daughter is in heaven and as long as you continue to have faith …. evrything thing will fall in to place ….she wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!!!!
GOD BLESS YOU AND THAT CHILD
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experience…. lost a child
February 12th, 2010 at 3:35 am
I am VERY sorry for your loss.I do not have children so I cannot even begin to know how you feel.I lost 2 dear friends in the last two years.One of them took his own life.I have been second guessing myself now for 2 years over what I could have done different to prevent it.He left behind two kids.A son who turns 16 in a few days and a daughter who is 19 and has gone off the deep end.I have become friends with his ex wife and her new husband.I knew him for 10 years and watched his kids grow up.I have been a friend to his son the last two years and I think I have helped.I think the best thing I can do is to be there as much as i can for him.You need to be strong for your granddaughter and be there for her.I will not pretend to know your pain but mine was and still is tough to deal with.It will never go away but time will help you deal with it better.At the same time you are helping your granddaughter she will be helping you.You can go on.You must go on.I still cry once in a while about my buddy(it was the anniversary of his death last wednesday) but it does get easier with time.I know this is probably of little comfort to you but it sounds like you have a very good reason to go on.And go on you must,for your daughter and hers.GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:37 am
My heart goes out to you. You seem like a strong guy, keep doing what you know is right.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:39 am
I wish I could say I can sympathize with you, but the closes I ever got to that was when I suffered from depression, which sounds like you may have it also sounds like you love that little girl very much. What helped me through my depression, and may help you get through the day, is always the children. Live the day if not for you for them. I know it may seem hard, but get out of the home and go for a walk, make her laugh, play stupid little game with her, and when she goes to bed make sure you have time for yourself to start the grieving process. In time the heart will heal and so will the hollowness inside. Let the little girl work her magic and bring you joy that you so much deserve.
P.S. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I wish I could do more for you.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:41 am
STAY STRONG AND HANG IN THERE!! Prayer definitely works. Contact your church or any church for prayer. When all else fails trust in God. He will bring you through. Do not give up. The baby needs you and you need her.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:43 am
Your daughter is in heaven, looking down at you, giving you what you need. Your grand daughter needs you. Just try to think that your grand daughter is your daughter. I wish you the best in everything.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:45 am
There is so much loving concern being expressed to you here, and I want to add my support to you, and to acknowledge all the wonderful suggestions that precede my note.
I believe the key to your recovery is that baby girl. And I agree that you must allow yourself to grieve. The 15-minute idea sounds very applicable to you in your situation. If you can’t do 15, then do 10 minutes. I wonder if reading the story of Coretta Scott King’s experience recovering from the loss of her husband may help you. She was one of the strongest women this world has ever seen.
Can you keep a journal? Not only will it help you, I believe, but it may also help you in your custody battle.
Finally, I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts, and learned this. Many people advised me to take it "one day at a time," but this was far too overwhelming to me, so I broke it down to "one minute at a time," and sometimes, all I could manage was "One Breath In, One Breath Out." That mantra carried me through many days. Thoughts of how my son did not deserve to lose his mother to suicide got me through the nights.
I hope with all my heart that something that has been said here will ring true for you. We wish you and your granddaughter happy, loving days.
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February 12th, 2010 at 3:47 am
I would say the hell with everybody else and worry about the child. You shouldn’t be greiving about your daughter’s death. You should actually be celebrating her life instead. If you show all the greiving and pain and all those bad feelings, then it will pretty much destroy the child. You need to think of how the child would feel if you "didn’t go on". She would pretty much have nobody left in the world who loves and cares and treats her good
like you do. So please think about the child and how she would feel before you do anything rashional!! Best of Luck!!
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